1
10
21
-
https://accounts.ulster.ac.uk/repo24/files/original/81136fb6db7fff34360ded172bbb327d.pdf
eeb5bfd38f89f8b88916a60e1f92dd07
PDF Text
Text
�Contents
Page
Introduction
111
Preface
V
Mixed Emotions- Foreword
Vll
Say all you have to say
1
We walked the walk
8
Family is the most important thing
15
Go for it and be happy
22
We don't need to be labelled
29
You two against the rest
36
A little tolerance goes a long way
43
xi
�Contents
Page
Our love encourages respect
50
Not enough Christianity
57
Love conquers everything
64
A short history of mixed marriage in Ireland
71
x ii
�Love conquers everything
64
�Love conquers everything
Ann and Stephen live in a beautiful lake-front house
in County Fermanagh. Stephen, originally from
Belfast, is a former engineer and entrepreneur, while
Ann, who was born and raised in Enniskillen, retired
recently from a teaching career. They have been
married since 1975, have two sons and a growing
family of grandchildren.
"
M
ixed marriage can nearly be defined as an
appreciation of each other's cultures", says
Stephen. "We are culturally different in many ways, but
similar in others and it is about achieving balance through
listening, talking and compromise. I can't stress too
strongly the importance of education in helping to
develop an understanding of difference." Not
surprisingly, Ann agrees. "We have based our marriage
on mutual understanding and always encouraged our
children to tolerate all creeds and none and to accept
people for who they are and not what religion they are.
We have made a successful mixed marriage and we want
to show that love conquers everything."
Ann, one of five children, was born and raised on a mixed
council estate in Enniskillen. Her mother was a devout
Catholic, but her father, a former British soldier, was not
a regular churchgoer. "I grew up in a mixed area and had
friends from both sides - although we didn't think about
'sides ' at all. My mother was the religious one and made
sure we went to Mass and the sacraments, while my
65
�father, who was sport mad, looked after our leisure
activities. I can tell you which was more fun. I went to
convent school and, from an early age, teaching was
always going to be the option. I loved sport and the
thought of combining the two made bearable even having
to leave home to train as a teacher in Belfast."
Ann is modest about her sporting prowess. She is a
former canoeist and represented Ireland at the Munich
Olympics in 1972 while studying for her degree in
English and PE at the University ofUlster at Jordanstown
on the outskirts of Belfast.
Stephen, one of four children, came from the Donegall
Pass area of Belfast. It was and is a predominantly
Protestant area. "It was a respectable, working class
district", he says, "and my family were of good Protestant
stock. My father was a plater in the shipyard and an elder
in Townsend Street Presbyterian Church where we
worshipped every Sunday. Sunday was an austere kind
of day in our house as it was in many others across the
city in the 1950s and 1960s. A day for religious
observance. Dad was a hardworking and fair man and I'm
proud to say the best man I've ever known. "
After the local primary school and two years at Rosetta
primary school in the middle-class Mount Merrion area
of the city, Stephen went to Methodist College.
"I always had a sideline going to make a few bob while
I was growing up. I sold sticks round the doors for a long
time and even had three boys working for me before I
66
�was eleven years of age. It was a great time until I went
to the grammar school. Suddenly, I found myself a
worlcing class boy at 'Methody' who preferred Soccer to
Rugby. It just wasn't the right place for me."
"My friends were the local lads I had grown up with in
our street and, although there were some Catholics living
in the area then, none of my friends was Catholic, just as
none of my friends was middle-class."
Stephen enjoyed a very successful 'second' business
venture during these years as the assistant of a local man
who provided flowers and foliage for retailers as far away
as England. "I was making great money", he says, "and
loving every minute of it. Travelling the country and
learning about business long before I ever went to
Belfast's College ofBusiness Studies."
Ann met Stephen at Jordanstown while they were both
in further education. "It was funny at first", she says,
"because, as a result of a misunderstanding of our
surnames, I thought Stephen was a Catholic and he
assumed that I was a Protestant. We were both wrong and
we didn't care. We got on great and started courting
seriously."
"Yes", says Stephen, "we knew fairly quickly how we
felt about each other. Finding out how other people felt
came a little more slowly as, initially, we didn't tell our
families anything."
"My mother knew that I was courting, as all mothers do",
says Ann. "Her reaction to it being with a Protestant was
67
�that of a worried parent. 'It won't be easy', she said,
'we'll support you, but maybe it would better all round
if you married one of your own'. My answer with all due
respect was, 'You don't pick them off the shelf'. That was
the end of that and, from then on, I had the full support
of my family."
Stephen's father had already given him the 'inquisition'
about his girlfriend, including the classic line, 'What foot
does she kick with?' "My parents were trying to protect
me and even my mother asked 'Who's going to turn?' I
explained that neither of us was going to turn, but that
we were going to get married. I was going to marry 'My
famous Fenian from Fermanagh' - so called because of
her Olympic achievement."
Getting married was to prove more complicated than
either of the couple anticipated.
"The local senior Catholic cleric made it clear that he
would not 'allow' us to be married in the main church of
St Michael 's in Enniskillen", says Ann. "That was our
family church and the natural choice for a bride from our
area, but he was adamant. He said, 'Those of my flock
who are heading in the wrong direction will not be given
the opportunity to parade their bad example'."
"Adamant? The man was as near to the Anti-Christ as I'll
ever want to meet", says Stephen. "He was rude, bigoted
and small minded and actually said, 'We don't allow
mixed marriages here'. He had the power and we had no
choice but to marry in the much smaller St Mary's
Church in the small village ofLisbellaw."
68
�"We talked about the differences in culture at the start
and that was evident at the reception where the Catholics
seemed much more at home with the celebrations", says
Stephen. "Both our families were there to support us, but
my mother was very reluctant to dance with me, even
though it is traditional. I thought perhaps it was the
'mixed marriage' thing bothering her. She did get up
eventually, but stood like a ramrod throughout and was
relieved when the music finished . On asking her, I was
glad and sad to discover that it had nothing to do with
Ann and me. This was the first time my mother had ever
been on a dance floor. "
Ann, who taught in a Catholic school at the time of her
marriage, says, "The local clergy weren't happy about it
- one of ' their' teachers marrying a Protestant, but,
thankfully, I had already arranged to move jobs to a state
school."
"Making a mixed marriage is probably the hardest thing
I have ever done", says Stephen, "but it is definitely the
best thing. In life, you have to be true to yourself and
honest with others and if that means leaving your comfort
zone, then so be it. I would advise any couple to follow
that rule, not to hesitate and to go for it."
Ann and Step hen are not part of any organised religious
group. "We were put off by the bigoted attitudes and
negative experiences of people on both sides of the
divide", says Ann, "and Stephen, in particular, found the
Catholic Church unwelcoming, negative and entrenched,
but we compromised all the time to get what was right
69
�for us and our family. We had our boys baptised Catholic,
but not confirmed, and sent them to state schools and they
have turned out a credit to us. I like to think we have
handed on a flame of tolerance as bright as any Olympic
one."
Stephen, Ann and their seven grandchildren
70
��
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Mixed Emotions (<em>collection</em>)
Description
An account of the resource
Mixed Emotions is a collection containing 10 personal accounts / stories about mixed marriage (between Protestants and Catholics) in Northern Ireland. Nine of the accounts are based on joint interviews of the married couple. The accounts were published in book format in 2012.<br /><strong>McLaughlin, Paul.</strong> (2012). Mixed Emotions: Real stories of mixed marriage, (Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association; NIMMA). Belfast: NIMMA.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Subject
The topic of the resource
Personal accounts / stories related to the issue of mixed marriage in Northern Ireland.
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2012
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
Book
Language
A language of the resource
English
Stories Collected
Non DC - Number of stories recorded as part of the project.
10
Collection Permission Form
Non DC - Collection permission form signed and returned.
Yes (signed 13 October 2014)
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
ISBN 978-0-9571669-1-2
Stories Deposited
Non DC - Number of stories deposited with Accounts of the Conflict.
8
Permission Form Scanned
Non DC - Scan of permission form uploaded to archive.
Yes
Delayed Access
Non DC - Yes/No on request for delayed access.
No
Availability Online
Non DC - Availabilty Status (deposited, delayed, external, cain)
deposited
Publication
A book, article, monograph etc.
Author
Author of the publication
Ann, and Stephen.
Date Type
Publication, Submission, Completion date etc.
2012
Publication Title
Full title of publication, as it appears on item.
<span>'Love conquers everything', chapter in, </span><strong>McLaughlin, Paul.</strong><span> (2012). Mixed Emotions: Real stories of mixed marriage, (Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association; NIMMA). Belfast: NIMMA.</span><br /><span>ISBN 978-0-9571669-1-2</span>
Publisher Location
Place of publication: city / town
Belfast
Publisher
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Publication Type
Report, Book, Manual etc.
Chapter in book
Publication Status
Published, in Press, Unpublished, etc.
Published
Number of Pages
6
ISBN
978-0-9571669-1-2
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
<em>Love conquers everything</em><span>, by Ann and Stephen (</span><em>story text</em><span>)</span>
Description
An account of the resource
The text, in PDF (Portable Document Format), of one of 10 personal accounts about 'mixed marriage' in Northern Ireland. The account was published as a chapter in the book 'Mixed Emotions'.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Paul McLaughlin / NIMMA
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2012
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
Text; PDF
Language
A language of the resource
English
Availability Online
Non DC - Availabilty Status (deposited, delayed, external, cain)
deposited
Mixed Emotions
NI Mixed Marriage Assoc
-
https://accounts.ulster.ac.uk/repo24/files/original/9d5dc0675f7d1572384f36a95303a171.pdf
6c36c7772a304551c031e26af78e6d72
PDF Text
Text
�Contents
Page
Introduction
111
Preface
V
Mixed Emotions- Foreword
Vll
Say all you have to say
1
We walked the walk
8
Family is the most important thing
15
Go for it and be happy
22
We don't need to be labelled
29
You two against the rest
36
A little tolerance goes a long way
43
xi
�Contents
Page
Our love encourages respect
50
Not enough Christianity
57
Love conquers everything
64
A short history of mixed marriage in Ireland
71
x ii
�Not enough Christianity
57
�Not enough Christianity
Michael and Shirley live in a quiet cui-de-sac in
Glengormley on the northern outskirts of Belfast. It
is a mixed area. They are an outgoing, friendly and
fun-loving couple who work as psychiatric nurses in
the community. Both are in their late forties.
"
No
matter what, ifyou really love each other, that
love will conquer all", says Shirley when asked
what advice she would give to couples contemplating
making a mixed marriage. Michael echoes those
sentiments, but says that hard talking has a major part to
play in making any relationship, particularly a mixed one.
"Talk to each other, talk to your peers, talk to everybody
openly and honestly", says Michael, "and that openness
will pay dividends." They have been married for more
than seven years and their story is testimony to that
openness.
Shirley was born in the tiny County Antrim seaport of
Portballintrae and raised in Bushmills where she attended
the local primary and grammar schools.
"I come from a family of three girls and Mum and Dad
and my sisters would have been regular churchgoers at
St John the Baptist Church of Ireland in the
predominantly Protestant village where I was also a
Sunday School teacher for a while."
"My father would have regarded himself as a very loyal
Protestant. He was a member of the Loyal Orders, the
58
�Orange and the Black, as well as the Freemasons but, as
he worked in the retail trade, he had many dealings with
Roman Catholics and would have been tolerant enough
of them in his own way. I remember him occasionally
saying things like 'He's all right for a Catholic' about
someone or other. That was the way it was then. A
grudging respect I suppose. Mum's aunt had married a
Roman Catholic many years before and gone to live in
London and she visited my mother and father over the
years. This was a normal family thing, but maybe that
marriage situation was only really possible then outside
Northern Ireland."
"I was never brought up to hate anyone for his or her
religion and, like many another teenager, spent a lot of
time at Kelly's in Portrush where we danced away our
weekends without ever wondering what religion anyone
else was."
Shirley left home at eighteen to travel to Belfast to train
as a student nurse and soon found herself part of the
intense camaraderie that was Purdysbum Hospital in the
1980s.
"I'd decided that this was what I wanted to do and really
enjoyed my time there. I even met a young man called
Michael, who was also a student nurse, and we began
what would develop into a long-lasting friendship that
took several twists and turns along the way. I didn't
attend church in Belfast. There was so much else to do,
but I did when I returned on visits home."
59
�"I did actually get engaged to a Roman Catholic and
brought him to meet my folks . They ' accepted' him to an
extent, but somehow thinking back, I don't believe my
father ever thought for one minute that I would marry
him. In the end, we grew apart. That had nothing to with
any religious differences."
Michaeljokes that he was born on the ' wrong ' side ofthe
Newtownards Road in Belfast. His father ran a grocer 's
shop across the road from St Matthew 's Roman Catholic
church on the edge of a strongly Protestant area.
"A few Catholics lived on our side, but trade was very
scarce during the marching month of July", he says, "and
redevelopment came at a good time in the early 1960s
when we moved to another shop in the Clonard district
of the city. We were happy there, my two brothers and I
served on the altar in the local monastery while my father,
who could be described as a true social democrat, was
well respected. We lived above the shop and manys the
time he would have opened up in the small hours of the
morning to make sure that no customer was left without
staples like bread and milk."
"My father's father and grandfather had served in the
Royal Irish Constabulary before partition and in the late
1960s he had two cousins who were serving members of
the Royal Ulster Constabulary. One of them was a station
sergeant just half a mile away on the Springfield Road.
The onset of the Troubles caused upheaval for our family
and the burning of Bombay Street around the corner from
us was just the start. We were forced to move, not by
loyalist mobs I have to say, after my father refused to ban
60
�police and soldiers from his shop. Our house was paintbombed, then my father's car daubed and we moved to
the relative safety of Norfolk Parade off Belfast's Glen
Road. Ironically, before the Troubles, that was where the
majority of Catholic policemen lived."
"I grew up attending the local Christian Brothers'
Grammar School and I have no horror stories on that
score. I got a good education and have fond memories of
trips to the Gaeltacht in Gweedore. I turned down the
chance to go into catering at the college in Portrush, took
exams at Belfast's College of Business Studies and
eventually the road led to Purdysbum, student nursing
and the beginning of lifetime friendship with Shirley."
Michael married his first wife Theresa at 22. "Theresa's
mum had been a convert and was as Catholic as can be
with shrines and statues and holy pictures all over the
place, but Theresa had aunts, uncles and cousins who
would have been terrified of that stuff. Northern Ireland
is such a strange place that I suppose that, not too far
under the skin, we are all mixed to a certain extent."
Sadly, Theresa died at just 37 years of age and Michael
was left alone. Well, not quite alone as he says, "I always
had good friends and I remember at some of the darkest
times before Theresa was so ill, Shirley and her sister
would take me out for the evening and, better still, make
sure I got home okay. They were true friends."
Shirley remembers. "I was at Michael and Theresa 's
wedding all those years before and also at her funeral.
Michael came to my father 's funeral just six weeks after
61
�Theresa passed away and I appreciated his support
despite his own pain of bereavement. We were there for
each other."
Michael and Shirley's relationship developed over time,
but even workmates who shared office space with them
were unaware that they were 'walking out together' as
Michael puts it. "I'm afraid their observation skills were
poor as one of our bosses commented."
Michael and Shirley went on to get engaged, courtesy of
a 'champagne and roses' proposal on both knees after
Michael had first asked Shirley's mother for her
daughter's hand in marriage. His father had called it
'observing the proprieties'.
"We were open with everyone once we had decided that
we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. That
meant my family, Michael 's family and, importantly,
Theresa's family."
So it was that six months later, all three families were
present when Church of Ireland rector the Rev Oliver
Thompson, assisted by Roman Catholic priest Fr Dan
Whyte, celebrated their marriage in Shirley's home
church. Fr Dan was invited to share in the marriage by
Mr Thompson.
"We are older and hopefully a little wiser than many
young people who contemplate mixed marriage and our
openness with each other and other people, which can
probably be attributed to both our upbringing and our
professional training stood us in good stead", says
62
�Michael. "I'm fairly sure that my mum and dad would
have preferred me to have married in a Catholic church,
but we knew what we wanted and it went really well. My
little niece, Theresa's brother's child, was our flower girl
and all the children who have grown up with us have
been very supportive."
Neither Michael nor Shirley is complacent about how
things have turned out.
"We have been lucky because of circumstances. Our age,
our friendship, even our families and a shared sense of
humour that a psychiatric nurse must have to survive,
have all helped us get through. We want other couples,
maybe younger, maybe not, to see that, at the end of the
day, a mixed marriage like any marriage is all about love
and that", as Michael says, "sometimes, there's too much
religion and not enough Christianity."
Shirley & Michael
63
��
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Mixed Emotions (<em>collection</em>)
Description
An account of the resource
Mixed Emotions is a collection containing 10 personal accounts / stories about mixed marriage (between Protestants and Catholics) in Northern Ireland. Nine of the accounts are based on joint interviews of the married couple. The accounts were published in book format in 2012.<br /><strong>McLaughlin, Paul.</strong> (2012). Mixed Emotions: Real stories of mixed marriage, (Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association; NIMMA). Belfast: NIMMA.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Subject
The topic of the resource
Personal accounts / stories related to the issue of mixed marriage in Northern Ireland.
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2012
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
Book
Language
A language of the resource
English
Stories Collected
Non DC - Number of stories recorded as part of the project.
10
Collection Permission Form
Non DC - Collection permission form signed and returned.
Yes (signed 13 October 2014)
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
ISBN 978-0-9571669-1-2
Stories Deposited
Non DC - Number of stories deposited with Accounts of the Conflict.
8
Permission Form Scanned
Non DC - Scan of permission form uploaded to archive.
Yes
Delayed Access
Non DC - Yes/No on request for delayed access.
No
Availability Online
Non DC - Availabilty Status (deposited, delayed, external, cain)
deposited
Publication
A book, article, monograph etc.
Author
Author of the publication
Michael, and Shirley.
Date Type
Publication, Submission, Completion date etc.
2012
Publication Title
Full title of publication, as it appears on item.
<span>'Not enough Christianity', chapter in, </span><strong>McLaughlin, Paul.</strong><span> (2012). Mixed Emotions: Real stories of mixed marriage, (Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association; NIMMA). Belfast: NIMMA.</span><br /><span>ISBN 978-0-9571669-1-2</span>
Publisher Location
Place of publication: city / town
Belfast
Publisher
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Publication Type
Report, Book, Manual etc.
Chapter in book
Publication Status
Published, in Press, Unpublished, etc.
Published
Number of Pages
6
ISBN
978-0-9571669-1-2
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
<em>Not enough Christianity</em><span>, by Michael and Shirley (</span><em>story text</em><span>)</span>
Description
An account of the resource
The text, in PDF (Portable Document Format), of one of 10 personal accounts about 'mixed marriage' in Northern Ireland. The account was published as a chapter in the book 'Mixed Emotions'.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Paul McLaughlin / NIMMA
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2012
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
Text; PDF
Language
A language of the resource
English
Availability Online
Non DC - Availabilty Status (deposited, delayed, external, cain)
deposited
Mixed Emotions
NI Mixed Marriage Assoc
-
https://accounts.ulster.ac.uk/repo24/files/original/6fbd117619e19dea050f083e07219423.pdf
4fdffbe732d301a68dd1eeb9efdfd5c3
PDF Text
Text
�Contents
Page
Introduction
111
Preface
V
Mixed Emotions- Foreword
Vll
Say all you have to say
1
We walked the walk
8
Family is the most important thing
15
Go for it and be happy
22
We don't need to be labelled
29
You two against the rest
36
A little tolerance goes a long way
43
xi
�Contents
Page
Our love encourages respect
50
Not enough Christianity
57
Love conquers everything
64
A short history of mixed marriage in Ireland
71
x ii
�Our love encourages respect
50
�Our love encourages respect
Stephen and Sharon live in a small village in the
Fermanagh lakelands. They have been married for
five years. Stephen, whose father was killed in the
'Poppy Day' bombing of Enniskillen, has suffered
severe ill-health as a direct result of being in the same
explosion. Sharon, whose Mum died only days before
this interview, works in retail in the town. They make
a strong team that faces the future with hope and
humour.
"M
ixed marriage is all about compromise", says
Sharon, "we have learned to compromise and,
hopefully, one day we will be blessed with children and
will be faced with more decisions and more compromises
about their upbringing." "Yes," says Stephen, "trying to
see the other person's point of view helps us all to see
that little bit better."
Sharon was born in Bantry in County Cork, but spent
nearly all of her primary school years in Surrey where
she had friends of different religions and races. "Those
things weren't considered important in England, but we
came to live in Enniskillen when I was about 10 and I
learned that they do things differently over here. It was a
culture shock."
Sharon lived in an all-Catholic street, attended an allCatholic primary school and had no Protestant friends.
"It took me a while to get used to this. I had always been
brought up to take people as I found them and to treat
51
�everyone the same, but when I went on a holiday to
England and brought back little presents of pencils for
my schoolmates, the pencils with the rubbers on the top,
I found that I couldn't hand them out. They had Union
Jacks printed on them and the local schoolteacher, a wellknown Nationalist, would have had a fit. It's sad.
Something so simple, taken so seriously. Petty really."
Sharon was lucky in that she was chosen as a 16 year old
student at Enniskillen's Mount Lourdes convent to take
a cross-community trip to America as part of the Ulster
Project to the United States. "It was a life-changing
experience", she says. "Six Protestants and six Catholics
spending four weeks thousands of miles from 'The
Troubles'. Our American host families were great and we
all bonded. These people, who had been strangers to me,
became like extended family within a very short time.
I'm glad to say that we still keep in touch with all of
them."
Sharon gave up the chance to go to university when her
late mother suffered a heart attack, but has no regrets. "I
chose to stay to help look after Mum and I'm glad. I went
from my old part-time Saturday job in retailer 'Next' to
full-time in the same branch. I had all the comforts of
home, as well as plenty of money and my own car. And I
got to appreciate my parents. What more could you ask?"
Stephen was born in Enniskillen into a forces' family.
"My late father was a station sergeant in the Royal Ulster
Constabulary, while my mother served in the Ulster
Defence Regiment. Several other members of my family,
who were also in the security forces, were killed during
52
�'The Troubles'." As a boy Stephen had friends of both
denominations. "We moved about a fair bit in the early
days and lived in predominantly Protestant areas", he
says, "but, I didn 't choose my friends by their religion. I
wasn 't brought up like that. In fact, my best friends, the
Byrne boys, were Catholics."
Stephen's father retired from the force in 1985 and father
and son grew closer. "I'm sure that my childhood had
been overshadowed by the fear that something bad would
happen to my father, my mother or my brother. They
were all on the front line against terrorism at one time or
another. That eased when dad left the RUC and life
looked brighter than ever."
All that ended tragically, when former sergeant Samuel
Gault was among eleven people killed in the Provisional
IRA's bombing of the Remembrance Sunday gathering
in Enniskillen in 1987. Stephen, who had just turned 18,
was standing beside his father when the explosion
occurred.
"Initially, when I came round, I could hardly see because
of the dust and I still remember the choking sensation.
My father was lying at my feet and I knew straight away
that he was dead. For about a week or so I was in a daze,
but my mother was fantastic. One minute, she had had a
husband, next she had nobody. She was on her own, but
she handled herself with dignity and helped us through
those tragic and traumatic circumstances. I remember the
wake and the Catholic people who came to offer their
condolences. One man said to me, 'These people didn't
do this in our name ' . I knew he was right and listened
53
�when my mother said, ' You can't get drawn into any sort
of trouble or with any bad people in retaliation for what
happened. You have to live your life '."
Two weeks after the bombing Stephen developed
psoriasis which has since developed into psoriatic
arthritis. "During the past 24 years", he says, "I have
undergone every treatment available for both conditions.
Sharon injects me twice a week with the latest of these
drugs. It is not a cure, but it does give my joints a bit more
freedom of movement."
Before Stephen started this treatment in 2006, he was
unable to walk or drive and virtually bed-ridden. "Sharon
had to dress and feed me and it was a dark time. I still
suffer depression, sleep deprivation and anxiety after all
this time and I know that what I am going through is a
direct result of the bomb on 8th November 1987."
Sharon and Stephen met in Enniskillen Golf Club in
2003. "We got chatting", she says, "Stephen knew my
Dad without knowing me and we realised that we had
actually lived very close to one another when we were
younger. We started going out together and that was it."
"Yes", says Stephen, "there was no talk of religion. We
liked each other and religion didn't come into it."
"Religion was never an issue for us", says Sharon, "but
it was for other relations in our families. The funny thing
is that it was the actual wedding ceremony, rather than
the marriage itself, that caused the most 'concern ' .
Church or chapel, priest or minister? That kind of thing.
To be honest, we believe that it was more to do with
54
�'what will the neighbours say' and not the fact that we
were about to become a mixed marriage couple."
"Our mixed marriage is probably different from many
others because Stephen's family was directly affected by
the violence and I am sure some people had a lot of
reservations about Stephen marrying a Catholic girl from
Cork."
"We learned to deal with the disapproval of others", says
Stephen, "not friends or family, but from outsiders and
strangers. And I'm glad we did. If you are lucky enough
to find your soul mate, regardless of religion, colour or
race, you shouldn't think twice about marriage. Just go
for it."
Sharon and Stephen married in Rossorry Church of
Ireland with both families attending and both clergy
playing their parts. "An aunt from England had suggested
we marry in Spain", says Sharon, "I suppose she thought
she was giving good advice, but, thank goodness, we
ignored it. We had a great day to be proud of."
Stephen says, "Advice is all well and good when it comes
from the right source. I would urge couples to contact the
N orthem Ireland Mixed Marriage Association
(NIMMA) , as well as their own clergy. Families think
that they are doing the best for you by offering advice
and support on what they think is right. However, it may
be right for them, but not right for you. Go to the people
who know about these things."
"We were lucky with our family backgrounds and the
way we were brought up", says Sharon. "We were aware
55
�of each other's religion and respect each other's beliefs.
Our love encourages that respect and we now attend and
participate in each other's church services regularly." "I
think it's not about what church you go to", says Stephen,
"but who you go with and the love you bring with you
that really counts."
Sharon & Stephen
56
��
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Mixed Emotions (<em>collection</em>)
Description
An account of the resource
Mixed Emotions is a collection containing 10 personal accounts / stories about mixed marriage (between Protestants and Catholics) in Northern Ireland. Nine of the accounts are based on joint interviews of the married couple. The accounts were published in book format in 2012.<br /><strong>McLaughlin, Paul.</strong> (2012). Mixed Emotions: Real stories of mixed marriage, (Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association; NIMMA). Belfast: NIMMA.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Subject
The topic of the resource
Personal accounts / stories related to the issue of mixed marriage in Northern Ireland.
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2012
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
Book
Language
A language of the resource
English
Stories Collected
Non DC - Number of stories recorded as part of the project.
10
Collection Permission Form
Non DC - Collection permission form signed and returned.
Yes (signed 13 October 2014)
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
ISBN 978-0-9571669-1-2
Stories Deposited
Non DC - Number of stories deposited with Accounts of the Conflict.
8
Permission Form Scanned
Non DC - Scan of permission form uploaded to archive.
Yes
Delayed Access
Non DC - Yes/No on request for delayed access.
No
Availability Online
Non DC - Availabilty Status (deposited, delayed, external, cain)
deposited
Publication
A book, article, monograph etc.
Author
Author of the publication
Stephen, and Sharon.
Date Type
Publication, Submission, Completion date etc.
2012
Publication Title
Full title of publication, as it appears on item.
<span>'Our love encourages respect', chapter in, </span><strong>McLaughlin, Paul.</strong><span> (2012). Mixed Emotions: Real stories of mixed marriage, (Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association; NIMMA). Belfast: NIMMA.</span><br /><span>ISBN 978-0-9571669-1-2</span>
Publisher Location
Place of publication: city / town
Belfast
Publisher
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Publication Type
Report, Book, Manual etc.
Chapter in book
Publication Status
Published, in Press, Unpublished, etc.
Published
Number of Pages
6
ISBN
978-0-9571669-1-2
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
<em>Our love encourages respect</em><span>, by Stephen and Sharon (</span><em>story text</em><span>)</span>
Description
An account of the resource
The text, in PDF (Portable Document Format), of one of 10 personal accounts about 'mixed marriage' in Northern Ireland. The account was published as a chapter in the book 'Mixed Emotions'.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Paul McLaughlin / NIMMA
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2012
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
Text; PDF
Language
A language of the resource
English
Availability Online
Non DC - Availabilty Status (deposited, delayed, external, cain)
deposited
Mixed Emotions
NI Mixed Marriage Assoc
-
https://accounts.ulster.ac.uk/repo24/files/original/e1482cca917009386880e5fb024b0f94.pdf
ec46393eed5d9a9905a61e1f8025b29b
PDF Text
Text
�Contents
Page
Introduction
111
Preface
V
Mixed Emotions- Foreword
Vll
Say all you have to say
1
We walked the walk
8
Family is the most important thing
15
Go for it and be happy
22
We don't need to be labelled
29
You two against the rest
36
A little tolerance goes a long way
43
xi
�Contents
Page
Our love encourages respect
50
Not enough Christianity
57
Love conquers everything
64
A short history of mixed marriage in Ireland
71
x ii
�A little tolerance
goes a long way
43
�A little tolerance goes a long way
Roley and Jo live on the outskirts of the quiet village
of Ederney in the beautiful Fermanagh countryside.
"Close enough to walk to the shops and far enough
away from the neighbours not to hear me guldering
at the kids", according to Jo. Roley is a civil servant,
Jo works in a local school. They have been married
for more than 25 years and have four children.
"G
etting into a mixed marriage has proved an
education for both of us", says Roley.
"Previously, we knew nothing of each other's church and
very little of each other's culture. We have learned a lot
and, perhaps more importantly, found that love, when it
has to, can really break down barriers and overcome all
opposition." "We learned to share and to be tolerant",
says Jo, "and that a little bit of Christianity goes a long
way. "
Jo, don 't call her Josephine, was born and bred in the
predominantly Roman Catholic village of Ederney. She
was the baby of the family. "I didn't have Protestant
friends when I was growing up", she says. " It wasn't a
conscious decision, there just weren't any around. As a
result, I suppose that I had no reason to think about
religious differences. They didn't exist for me as a child
in that environment."
That changed when, after school, Jo took a job at
Desmond's clothing factory in the nearby town of
Irvinestown. " It was all new to me, like it is for any
44
�teenager starting work, but, for the first time, I found
myself in a place that was truly mixed. And I loved it. I
made friends from both ' sides' , we went to mixed dances
and had boyfriends of both religions just like normal
people. Changed times! My best friend throughout the
best part of my life has been Allison, a Protestant."
Jo continued to live in the village and cared for her father
in the family home.
Roley was born a couple miles from where he now lives,
in the Lower Lough Erne village of Kesh, which was
mainly Protestant. "I was Church of Ireland", he says,
"and lived with my mother and grandmother. My grannie
was like a mother to me as my own mother had to go out
to work to support us. It was a happy childhood in a
home that had an open door for everyone, regardless of
religion. In fact, religion was something that was
practised on a Sunday and never mentioned again during
the week. I had friends of both persuasions, went to 'tech'
with them as well and had a first hand knowledge of
mixed marriage through my aunt who was married to a
Catholic. I never saw a problem or heard a word of
trouble. "
Roley joined the Northern Ireland Civil Service in 1972
and swapped the rural idyll of Fermanagh for a Belfast
steeped in sectarian conflict. "I shared digs on the Lower
Newtownards Road in the city near a notorious interface
and got my first taste of bigotry. It stank."
Roley spent three years on that CS posting, a stint that
included the infamous Workers ' Strike of 1974. "Those
45
�were hairy days where we were living in a tight workingclass Protestant area and we had to walk up and down the
disused County Down railway line, to and from
Stormont, to avoid road blocks that would have prevented
us from going to work. For me, it was a culture shock. I
just wasn't used to living on that sort offrontline."
Roley returned to Enniskillen in 1975 to find that the
impact of the ' Troubles ' had spread. "There was
increased division back home", he says, "I think mainly
down to the IRA campaign of targeting members of the
UDR, which lead to suspicion and mistrust."
Roley also worked in the Department of Social Security
on Belfast's Falls Road for a period during the 1980s. "It
was a difficult time", he says. "The ordinary people were
the best in the world, just as I had found in East Belfast,
but paramilitaries ruled the roost and violence was
commonplace." A man was shot dead in Roley's
workplace and because he was a trained counsellor, he
was able to lend support to traumatised staff. "It was truly
terrible in the real sense of the word and I will not forget
the fear, disgust and horror that I and my colleagues,
many of them young girls, were forced to experience."
Roley's return to work in Fermanagh brought bad news
from his local GP. By now his weight had crept up to 42
stone and the doctor 's advice to the then 29 year old was
'don't look forward to your 31st birthday - you won't be
here ' . That stark warning and the support of his family,
particularly his grandmother, led to a dramatic change in
lifestyle that saw him lose 29 stone, but he is quick to
credit Jo 's contribution to his survival.
46
�"I met Jo about a fortnight after my grandmother passed
away", he says, "and already I was heading back into the
old ways of eating and drinking. I was on a slippery slope
until Jo and I got together and I found that I now had a
very special person in my life."
"I can honestly say that religion didn't come into it when
Roley and I started going out together" says Jo. "We liked
each other and took it for granted I suppose. Roley's
family were fine. I was in his mother's house many times
before we got engaged and was welcomed warmly and
genuinely, while my father, after he had been reassured
that I was not going to leave him on his own, became like
a father to Roley. We were lucky in that respect." Roley
interrupts, " It was a privilege to help look after Johnny,
Jo 's dad, who lived with us after we got married. He was
a decent man and the only father I had ever known."
Others, outside the family, didn't approve of the couple's
decision to marry. "Some friends, boys that I'd known
for years, boys that I would have shed blood for, made it
clear what they thought of a ' fenian lover'. I got Mass
cards and sympathy cards through the post and a lot of
silence as I was shunned by former mates. It was sad
certainly, but I'll take love over ignorance any day and,
anyway, most of the same boys have mellowed with
time." Surprisingly, even one local Church of Ireland
clergyman was less than helpful when Roley went for his
Baptism lines. "Ach, he was obstreperous and ignorant
and all because I was getting married. Stupid man."
The couple were married in the local Roman Catholic
church, St Joseph 's. " A beautiful place", says Roley,
47
�"and my own minister stole the show at the reception
with the best wedding speech I've ever heard. I'm glad I
have it on video."
Jo and Roley went to both churches in the first ten years
after they married. They had four children, fostered
nearly two dozen more and it was Roley 's wish to be
totally involved in the lives of his children, including
their communion, that led him to convert to Catholicism
about 15 years ago.
"I always said I would like to take communion with my
youngsters and I am very proud of the fact that I
converted. I retained my great faith in Jesus Christ, I still
read the bible everyday and I have thrown myself into
my local church." Roley has also become the first lay
person to chair the Board of Governors at his local
Roman Catholic primary school, while he and Jo still
attend the Church oflreland for festivals like the Harvest
Festival.
"We celebrated 25 years of marriage this year", says
Roley, "so we must be doing something right. We have a
great family and have done our best to teach our children,
who have benefitted from secondary integrated
education, to take people as they find them and to respect
other people's points of view. In the end, it is all about
respect."
"Yes", says Jo, "all obstacles can be overcome by love,
commitment and actually caring about the other person
as much as, if not more than yourself. A little tolerance
goes a long way. "
48
�"We have been very lucky in our lives", says Roley, "and
we do our best to try to put something back. I hope that
this book will make people see, particularly young
people, that love doesn't have a denomination ."
Roley & Jo
49
��
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Mixed Emotions (<em>collection</em>)
Description
An account of the resource
Mixed Emotions is a collection containing 10 personal accounts / stories about mixed marriage (between Protestants and Catholics) in Northern Ireland. Nine of the accounts are based on joint interviews of the married couple. The accounts were published in book format in 2012.<br /><strong>McLaughlin, Paul.</strong> (2012). Mixed Emotions: Real stories of mixed marriage, (Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association; NIMMA). Belfast: NIMMA.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Subject
The topic of the resource
Personal accounts / stories related to the issue of mixed marriage in Northern Ireland.
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2012
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
Book
Language
A language of the resource
English
Stories Collected
Non DC - Number of stories recorded as part of the project.
10
Collection Permission Form
Non DC - Collection permission form signed and returned.
Yes (signed 13 October 2014)
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
ISBN 978-0-9571669-1-2
Stories Deposited
Non DC - Number of stories deposited with Accounts of the Conflict.
8
Permission Form Scanned
Non DC - Scan of permission form uploaded to archive.
Yes
Delayed Access
Non DC - Yes/No on request for delayed access.
No
Availability Online
Non DC - Availabilty Status (deposited, delayed, external, cain)
deposited
Publication
A book, article, monograph etc.
Author
Author of the publication
Roley, and Jo.
Date Type
Publication, Submission, Completion date etc.
2012
Publication Title
Full title of publication, as it appears on item.
'A little tolerance goes a long way', chapter in, <strong>McLaughlin, Paul.</strong> (2012). Mixed Emotions: Real stories of mixed marriage, (Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association; NIMMA). Belfast: NIMMA.<br />ISBN 978-0-9571669-1-2
Publisher Location
Place of publication: city / town
Belfast
Publisher
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Publication Type
Report, Book, Manual etc.
Chapter in book
Publication Status
Published, in Press, Unpublished, etc.
Published
Number of Pages
6
ISBN
978-0-9571669-1-2
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
<em>A little tolerance goes a long way</em><span>, by Roley and Jo (</span><em>story text</em><span>)</span>
Description
An account of the resource
The text, in PDF (Portable Document Format), of one of 10 personal accounts about 'mixed marriage' in Northern Ireland. The account was published as a chapter in the book 'Mixed Emotions'.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Paul McLaughlin / NIMMA
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2012
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
Text; PDF
Language
A language of the resource
English
Availability Online
Non DC - Availabilty Status (deposited, delayed, external, cain)
deposited
Mixed Emotions
NI Mixed Marriage Assoc
-
https://accounts.ulster.ac.uk/repo24/files/original/4b0a68158a9c647da5d912658af31253.pdf
08d3dee7111799674dc604080dee3e66
PDF Text
Text
�Contents
Page
Introduction
111
Preface
V
Mixed Emotions- Foreword
Vll
Say all you have to say
1
We walked the walk
8
Family is the most important thing
15
Go for it and be happy
22
We don't need to be labelled
29
You two against the rest
36
A little tolerance goes a long way
43
xi
�Contents
Page
Our love encourages respect
50
Not enough Christianity
57
Love conquers everything
64
A short history of mixed marriage in Ireland
71
x ii
�We don't need to be labelled
29
�We don't need to be labelled
David and Nuala are in their early forties. They have
been married for nearly 20 years and have four
children. David is an electronic engineer while N uala
is a classroom assistant in a local primary school.
They have known each other nearly all their adult
lives.
D
avid and Nuala live in a quiet cul-de-sac on the
outskirts of Carryduff, a small town to the south
of Belfast. It is an area where many mixed married
couples have chosen to live. "It 's a good place to bring
up children", says David. "A place where people get
along and get on with their lives". "Yes", says Nuala,
"we're lucky to have been able to make our home here,
away from Belfast with all of its traditional problems, in
a town where barriers have been broken down and good
relationships forged. "
The suburbs of County Down are a world away from the
terraces of North Belfast where Nuala was born and
brought up. "I grew up on the city's New Lodge Road,
which was a really Catholic district in one of the worst
areas of sectarian conflict in the country. I went to the
local primary school and can honestly say that I would
not have met or even thought about Protestants until,
thanks to the hard work of my mother and father, we were
able to move to a much bigger house on the Oldpark
Road when I was eleven. That was a dramatic change, as
there was only one other Catholic family on that part of
30
�the road, although it really made no difference to me or
my four brothers and sister. We hadn't been brought up
to be 'bitter' as they say in Belfast. Both my mother and
late father were good decent people who had friends from
both communities and encouraged us to do the same."
Nuala passed her Eleven Plus exam and for the next
seven years travelled across Belfast to St Dominic 's
Grammar School on the city's Falls Road. "There were
other good schools much closer to home", she says, "one
just 10 minutes walk down the road, but those were the
days when Catholics went to only Catholic schools, so I
and many like me had to grin and bear it." St Dominic's
was all girl and all Catholic, so it wasn't until Nuala, aged
16, got a part-time job in Woolworths that she got the
chance to mix with people of other denominations. "I
quickly made friends, regardless of religion, and learned
what a social life was all about."
Two years later, Nuala went to Queen's University to
study French and Business and found herself sharing a
house with girls of all denominations and none. "Nobody
cared what religion anyone was", she says, "and that's
the way it should be." Nuala's first year at Queen's was
also significant for the fact that at the end of it, she met
David.
David was born and raised Church of Ireland on the
predominantly Protestant Belvoir Park estate in South
Belfast. "There were two Catholic families in the estate,"
says David, "but only two . That's just the way it was. I
didn't think about it at all. I hadn't been brought up to
have prejudices against anyone because of his or her
31
�religion, although I suppose I had heard all the usual
derogatory remarks about Catholics or 'Taigs' as they
were called, by the time I went to grammar school. I was
lucky in that my parents were not bigoted. Both had
Catholic friends. My mum's best friend, Rosemary, was
a Catholic who became her bridesmaid, while my dad
was a committed trade unionist who looked forward to a
time when Protestant and Catholics workers could put
socialist politics before bigotry."
"Very appropriate then that I should attend what was
described as Belfast's working class grammar school,
Annadale. It was mostly Protestant - all boys - but it did
give me a good education."
David went on to Queen's University to study Electronic
Engineering and, after seven years and being offered a
lectureship there, gained his doctorate.
David had met Nuala on a campsite in Spain when he was
a shy sixth former from Annadale and she was a
'sophisticated' undergraduate at Queen's.
"I was 19 at the time", says Nuala. "so, I suppose he was
my toy boy. All I knew was that we hit it off right away
hundreds of miles from Belfast and light years from the
kind of sectarianism that was the norm then."
David remembers, "We travelled home on the same
coach - yes, a coach from Spain to Northern Ireland and I was disappointed that Nuala had already arranged
to stop off in London." His disappointment eased when
he rang Nuala's home a couple of weeks later and they
started going out together.
32
�There were problems connected with that, though
geographical rather than religious. "We lived at the two
extremes of Belfast", says David, "I mean North and
South and without a car between us, we relied on public
transport. Obviously, our parents worried about our safety
in travelling across the city in such dangerous times, but
we persevered and it was well worth it."
"I think we knew pretty quickly that we wanted to be
together", says Nuala. "We talked about what we
wanted, decided what was best for us and got on with it.
Religion was never a dominant topic of conversation",
says David, "we never shied away from it, but we were
always positive and our families were tremendously
supportive."
David and Nuala were married in 1992 at her local
Catholic church, weeks after David graduated, in an
inclusive service that saw David's rector, fully robed for
the occasion, give the sermon. "It was a great day", says
Nuala, "and one that augured well for the years ahead.
Of course, we've been lucky, but we've also had to work
at it - like all couples in all marriages - and the fact that
our families are very similar was a bonus."
Today, Nuala and David have two boys and two girls.
"We feel that integrated education is the single most
important thing in helping to bring about a shared future
in this country", says David. "Our children, although
baptised Catholic, attend either state or integrated schools
and are all the better for it. I'm not sure how they would
describe themselves if they ever thought about it", says
Nuala, "baptised Catholic and their activities include
33
�Baptist Girls' Brigade, Church of Ireland youth club,
Church of Ireland scouts and a Presbyterian summer
scheme. As good a mix as you could wish for."
"Being in a mixed marriage has certainly influenced how
we feel about organised religion", says David. "We don't
have a need to have either ourselves or our children
labelled as one thing or the other. We are bits of all and
we want our kids to dip into everything and just be
happy."
"The rituals and discipline of organised religion
dominated a lot of my early life, but, even with the best
of intentions, this was not what we wanted for our boys
and girls."
"I would advise any young couple thinking about making
a mixed marriage to have the courage of their
convictions, to stay true to themselves and to follow their
instincts", says David, "and to cultivate their good, black,
Northern sense ofhumour."
"Most of our friends, half of whom are in mixed
marriages, enjoy the craic and banter of slagging each
other off about religion, about 'Prods and Taigs' and all
the rest of it. That's the way it should and can be in a
'normal' society. It's fun and its healthy and, better still,
it's harmless. We look forward to the day when it's like
that right across the country."
34
�David & Nuala
35
��
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Mixed Emotions (<em>collection</em>)
Description
An account of the resource
Mixed Emotions is a collection containing 10 personal accounts / stories about mixed marriage (between Protestants and Catholics) in Northern Ireland. Nine of the accounts are based on joint interviews of the married couple. The accounts were published in book format in 2012.<br /><strong>McLaughlin, Paul.</strong> (2012). Mixed Emotions: Real stories of mixed marriage, (Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association; NIMMA). Belfast: NIMMA.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Subject
The topic of the resource
Personal accounts / stories related to the issue of mixed marriage in Northern Ireland.
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2012
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
Book
Language
A language of the resource
English
Stories Collected
Non DC - Number of stories recorded as part of the project.
10
Collection Permission Form
Non DC - Collection permission form signed and returned.
Yes (signed 13 October 2014)
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
ISBN 978-0-9571669-1-2
Stories Deposited
Non DC - Number of stories deposited with Accounts of the Conflict.
8
Permission Form Scanned
Non DC - Scan of permission form uploaded to archive.
Yes
Delayed Access
Non DC - Yes/No on request for delayed access.
No
Availability Online
Non DC - Availabilty Status (deposited, delayed, external, cain)
deposited
Publication
A book, article, monograph etc.
Author
Author of the publication
David, and Nuala
Date Type
Publication, Submission, Completion date etc.
2012
Publication Title
Full title of publication, as it appears on item.
<span>'We don't need to be labelled', chapter in, </span><strong>McLaughlin, Paul.</strong><span> (2012). Mixed Emotions: Real stories of mixed marriage, (Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association; NIMMA). Belfast: NIMMA.</span><br /><span>ISBN 978-0-9571669-1-2</span>
Publisher Location
Place of publication: city / town
Belfast
Publisher
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Publication Type
Report, Book, Manual etc.
Chapter in book
Publication Status
Published, in Press, Unpublished, etc.
Published
Number of Pages
5
ISBN
978-0-9571669-1-2
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
<em>We don't need to be labelled</em>, by David and Nuala (<em>story text</em>)
Description
An account of the resource
The text, in PDF (Portable Document Format), of one of 10 personal accounts about 'mixed marriage' in Northern Ireland. The account was published as a chapter in the book 'Mixed Emotions'.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Paul McLaughlin / NIMMA
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2012
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
Text; PDF
Language
A language of the resource
English
Availability Online
Non DC - Availabilty Status (deposited, delayed, external, cain)
deposited
Mixed Emotions
NI Mixed Marriage Assoc
-
https://accounts.ulster.ac.uk/repo24/files/original/c240545e4800ff6448ca7ba2920546b1.pdf
a5d3f4c7aaaee07b3e3c6982b9d4a76b
PDF Text
Text
�Contents
Page
Introduction
111
Preface
V
Mixed Emotions- Foreword
Vll
Say all you have to say
1
We walked the walk
8
Family is the most important thing
15
Go for it and be happy
22
We don't need to be labelled
29
You two against the rest
36
A little tolerance goes a long way
43
xi
�Contents
Page
Our love encourages respect
50
Not enough Christianity
57
Love conquers everything
64
A short history of mixed marriage in Ireland
71
x ii
�Go for it and be happy
22
�Go for it and be happy
Katherine is a former nurse who lives in the County
Armagh countryside outside the border village of
Forkhill. She is a widow in her mid-70s, but with the
vim and energy of a much younger woman. They are
attributes that stood her in good stead in the past.
N
eighbours and acquaintances had a lot to say
about Katherine's budding relationship with her
future husband back at the start of the 1960s. "It seems
that just about everybody had an opinion about what I
was doing," she says, "from the wee Catholic woman
who called at my mother's house when the hairdresser's
next door was shut with her comment 'Get the holy water
missus for your man is as black as a pot', to the Protestant
neighbours who wrote to my future mother-in-law to say
that they 'had heard the dreadful news' and 'this would
never have happened if her husband had been alive."
That annoyed me a lot as the last two had said to my face
how pleased they were and that I was a 'lovely girl'. But
I suppose that when it comes down to it, there's no limit
to hypocrisy in this country. Especially back then."
Katherine and her late husband James (Junior) struggled
against the intransigence of the Roman Catholic
hierarchy for five years before finally being 'allowed' to
wed in 1965 . "We went through a heck of a lot and
persevered to get married in the first place back in the
1960s", she says, "but I can tell you now that I would not
be dictated to again and say to today's young people to
go for it and be happy."
23
�Katherine was born on Merseyside where her father and
mother had gone in search of work, but, from the age of
three, she and her four siblings, lived in the
predominantly Roman Catholic village of Forkhill in
South Armagh. "I went to the local Catholic primary
school, then on to Sacred Heart Convent in Newry and I
can remember clearly that, from my earliest days, I
wanted to be a nurse. I even used to use a pillow as a
patient for heaven's sake."
Katherine's dreams of a nursing career took a knock
when she was struck down with rheumatic fever at the
age of 15 . "I was very ill for a time, but remarkably, I
recovered well and, thank God, have never had any
problems related to my heart." As soon as she was 18,
Katherine took the boat to Liverpool to train at the city's
Walton General Hospital. "It was three years of intense
training", she says, "very hard work and long hours, but
it was what I wanted to do and I enjoyed it." Her second
spell on Merseyside, ironically the same length as her
first in childhood, came to an end with Katherine
qualified and going on the hunt for a job.
She says, "Those were difficult times for Catholics and,
despite my seniority, I was forced to accept a temporary
position at Daisyhill Hospital in Newry. That lasted three
years, during which I had few rights and no paid holidays,
but, eventually, I was appointed to a permanent position.
It was worth the wait."
James or Junior, as he was known all of his life, died
more than eleven years ago, but his memory is very much
alive in the bungalow where he and Katherine spent most
of their married life.
24
�"Junior came from farming stock. They owned a place
just outside the village of Forkhill and were Church of
Ireland people. He worked the farm and as well as
working with Catholics - it would have been practically
impossible not to in this part of the country - he also
socialised with them. He was well-known and well-liked
and cared not a scrap about anyone's religion. He liked a
drink, a dance and a bit of craic and even played football
regularly across the border in Dundalk."
Katherine and Junior's paths first crossed at a dance in
the neighbouring village of Jonesborough. "I'd seen him
before of course, but never took any notice. Yet, that
night, we just clicked and began going out together."
Their courtship, however, was somewhat different from
normal. "Aye, we used to meet up on the other side of the
border away from prying eyes and wagging tongues. All
the time, my mother knew I was seeing someone,
mothers always do, but she never imagined it would be a
Protestant. ' Wait until your father comes home' , she said,
and sure enough his contribution was short and not so
sweet; 'You finish with this character or your clothes will
be left at the corner ' . I was 24 years old, had a very
responsible job and everybody, but me, knew what was
best for me."
Katherine and Junior even split up for nearly two months
as a result of the pressure of the situation. "We thought it
best at the time, but met up at a carnival one evening and
that was that. I went home that night and told my parents,
'I'm back with James (Junior) and I'm staying with him'.
Their faces were a picture, but they knew I meant it and
that was the end of the opposition as far as they were
25
�concerned. I'm afraid I couldn't have said the same about
my future mother-in-law. She hardly spoke to me, even
when we got engaged after two years. That was when the
nosey neighbours came into their own, but even the two
who wrote the infamous letter I mentioned earlier were
left red faced when I told them 'Our first-born will be
called Paisley' . One local wag, a real old bachelor
character joked about Junior turning his religion, but I
told him, 'The only turning he ' ll do will be in bed ' and
we all had a good laugh."
Unfortunately, neither Katherine nor Junior had much to
laugh about after that. They approached their local parish
priest and requested the permission that would allow
them to marry. "First of all, he assured us that there
wouldn't be problem", she says, "but then told us that the
new Archbishop of Armagh, Cardinal Conway, had
turned us down. I met privately with the Cardinal and
soon discovered for myself the cut of the man. ' You ' ll
never get the dispensation', he said, 'so go home, find a
Catholic fellow and forget about this one ' . I told him that
I would travel to England to marry and he said that he
would stop that as well. Eventually, he relented, if you
can call it that, saying that the marriage could take place
in Liverpool, but I dug my heels in and kept pressing for
a wedding in my home village. The best the good cardinal
could say was, 'I'll remember you in my prayers'."
Ironically, if Katherine had fallen pregnant at any time
during those long five years, the local hierarchy would
have removed all obstacles and married them
immediately. "They said that would be an 'excuse' to get
married", she says, "I knew I didn't need an ' excuse'."
26
�Eventually, with the help of a priest in Carrickmacross in
Co Monaghan, the couple were granted the permission.
"It should have been the happiest of times, but once
again, the Cardinal attached impossible conditions. Only
four people would be permitted to attend the wedding that was us and the two witnesses - there was to be no
publicity, no photographs and no music. We were
devastated, but, thank God, the local priest allowed all of
those and we made the best of the day, despite the fact
that we were married 35 miles from home and at a side
altar." Katherine and Junior had a great day with family
and friends in attendance, although Katherine's motherin-law didn't travel for health reasons. "Six months after
our wedding", says Katherine, "a mixed couple from this
diocese were allowed to marry in Dundalk Cathedral
without any problems at all, but I think that money did
more than a little of the talking in that case."
"We were blessed with four daughters who were raised
Catholic, which was what both Junior and I wanted,
although, disobliging to the end, the Catholic Church
prevented my late husband's brother from being
godfather to even one of his nieces and we were told that
'No Protestant would be allowed to stand for a child in
this parish'."
Katherine and Junior were married for 35 years until he
passed away eleven years ago. "Even then, we had a very
ecumenical funeral. My late husband, at his request, was
buried in our plot in the Catholic Mullaghbawn cemetery
after a packed service in the local Catholic church at
which his own Church of Ireland rector delivered the
27
�eulogy. We may have been dictated to at our wedding,
but the celebration of Junior's life went exactly as we
wanted."
Katherine is still a regular mass-goer despite the bigotry,
as she calls it, toward her marriage by many clergy.
"They were arrogant, very narrow-minded and
determined to get their way and it seemed to me that
things could only be different if you had money, but we
were just as determined, thank God, and fought for our
happiness and to a great extent, apart from the odd
exception, we were accepted by all. I would say to any
couple thinking about making a mixed marriage to go for
it, make it all you can make it and be happy. We did and
I'm proud to say that."
Katherine & lames
28
��
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Mixed Emotions (<em>collection</em>)
Description
An account of the resource
Mixed Emotions is a collection containing 10 personal accounts / stories about mixed marriage (between Protestants and Catholics) in Northern Ireland. Nine of the accounts are based on joint interviews of the married couple. The accounts were published in book format in 2012.<br /><strong>McLaughlin, Paul.</strong> (2012). Mixed Emotions: Real stories of mixed marriage, (Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association; NIMMA). Belfast: NIMMA.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Subject
The topic of the resource
Personal accounts / stories related to the issue of mixed marriage in Northern Ireland.
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2012
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
Book
Language
A language of the resource
English
Stories Collected
Non DC - Number of stories recorded as part of the project.
10
Collection Permission Form
Non DC - Collection permission form signed and returned.
Yes (signed 13 October 2014)
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
ISBN 978-0-9571669-1-2
Stories Deposited
Non DC - Number of stories deposited with Accounts of the Conflict.
8
Permission Form Scanned
Non DC - Scan of permission form uploaded to archive.
Yes
Delayed Access
Non DC - Yes/No on request for delayed access.
No
Availability Online
Non DC - Availabilty Status (deposited, delayed, external, cain)
deposited
Publication
A book, article, monograph etc.
Author
Author of the publication
Katherine.
Date Type
Publication, Submission, Completion date etc.
2012
Publication Title
Full title of publication, as it appears on item.
<span>'Go for it and be happy', chapter in, </span><strong>McLaughlin, Paul.</strong><span> (2012). Mixed Emotions: Real stories of mixed marriage, (Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association; NIMMA). Belfast: NIMMA.</span><br /><span>ISBN 978-0-9571669-1-2</span>
Publisher Location
Place of publication: city / town
Belfast
Publisher
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Publication Type
Report, Book, Manual etc.
Chapter in book
Publication Status
Published, in Press, Unpublished, etc.
Published
Number of Pages
6
ISBN
978-0-9571669-1-2
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
<em>Go for it and be happy</em><span>, by Katherine (</span><em>story text</em><span>)</span>
Description
An account of the resource
The text, in PDF (Portable Document Format), of one of 10 personal accounts about 'mixed marriage' in Northern Ireland. The account was published as a chapter in the book 'Mixed Emotions'.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Paul McLaughlin / NIMMA
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2012
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
Text; PDF
Language
A language of the resource
English
Availability Online
Non DC - Availabilty Status (deposited, delayed, external, cain)
deposited
Mixed Emotions
NI Mixed Marriage Assoc
-
https://accounts.ulster.ac.uk/repo24/files/original/c11c81ebfa5e22ece9e3384b701038fd.pdf
0572c130daf2770325dec7cb810fd688
PDF Text
Text
�Contents
Page
Introduction
111
Preface
V
Mixed Emotions- Foreword
Vll
Say all you have to say
1
We walked the walk
8
Family is the most important thing
15
Go for it and be happy
22
We don't need to be labelled
29
You two against the rest
36
A little tolerance goes a long way
43
xi
�Contents
Page
Our love encourages respect
50
Not enough Christianity
57
Love conquers everything
64
A short history of mixed marriage in Ireland
71
x ii
�Family is the most
important thing
15
�Family is the most important thing
Chris and Roisin, who are in their mid-thirties, live in
the Oldpark area of north Belfast. Chris is a bakery
worker, Roisin a supervisor in a solicitor's practice.
They have been married for more than 11 years and
are proud parents of seven-and-a-half-year-old
Matthew. He says that the 'half' is very important.
" W e keep politics out of our home", says Roisin.
"In Northern Ireland it is divisive and there is
no place for it in our relationship. We don't watch the
news about this place and neither of us feels that any of
the politicians have the welfare of ordinary people at
heart." "Obviously, we have our own views on many
things", agrees Chris, "we'd both lived in this society for
more than 20 years before we met, so we have attitudes
whether we like it or not. But, we've found that our
family life is more important than religion or politics and
it comes first every time."
Roisin was born in the Ardoyne area of the city and is
convent-educated. She has two brothers and two sisters
and lives not far from her Mum and Dad. She manages a
successful solicitor 's practice less than half a mile from
her home and has worked there since leaving school.
"We bought this house despite the fact it was the first we
had viewed", she says, "because I knew it was right and
it had the advantage of being close to my parents. Family
is the most important thing in my life; my husband, my
son and my extended family. Oh, and it's also handy for
work. "
16
�Her first memories are typical of many Belfast youngsters
of her generation. "I remember bin lids being banged,
deafening noise and burning. The first of the hunger
strikers was dying and Ardoyne went crazy. It is not the
sort of memory I would wish on any child, but in those
days, where I came from , there was a constant
atmosphere of tension and violence. I remember the
strangeness of English accents and the constant
harassment of older people in the street by the army who
seemed to be everywhere, all the time."
Roisin 's parents moved their family to the relative quiet
of the Cliftonville Road area, but after less than five years
and frequently smashed front windows, they were
intimidated out of their home by loyalist paramilitaries.
"It was sad and shocking at the same time, as we were
forced to move back to Ardoyne after our house was
bought under a vesting order, at a fraction of its cost, by
the Housing Executive, but worse was to come. My
father 's brother was murdered in his cafe on the Crumlin
Road by unknown loyalist killers .We were devastated
and my memory of my father's tears will stay with me
forever."
"I had been sheltered from the Troubles, as they're called,
by my parents. They wanted only what was best for us.
I'd gone from knowing no Protestants at all when I lived
in Ardoyne originally to taking part in Girl's Brigade
activities regularly during our five year stay on the
Cliftonville Road. Then, it was back to Ardoyne again
and a Catholic-only environment." Through all of this
time, Roisin was involved in Gaelic games. "I have been
17
�a member of the Ardoyne GAA club for nearly as long
as I can remember. I was a Camogie player for more than
20 years at all club levels and, subsequently, I have taken
up coaching some of the younger girls. It is a healthy and
disciplined sport and one that I love." Roisin has also
enjoyed a successful county career with the Antrim team
and still spends up to five evenings a week volunteering
her time to help the young of her community. "The GAA
was my life as a teenager: my sporting life and my social
life to the exclusion of everything else I suppose. I didn't
venture into town much in the evenings, so it was really
by chance, on the invitation of my sister and her friend,
who worked together in the Northern Ireland Civil
Service, that I met Chris. But for fate, I'm sure our paths
really could not have crossed."
Chris, who works in a busy North Belfast home bakery,
comes originally from a townland outside the County
Antrim coastal town of Lame. "We moved about quite a
lot when I was a youngster", he says, "mainly around the
Carrickfergus area. So, as you can imagine, I didn't meet
a lot of Catholics for the first ten years of my life. I'll
correct that, I didn't meet any Catholics at all." That was
rectified when the family, Chris, his mum and dad and
brother, Scott, moved to Newtownbreda village in the
countryside to the south of Belfast as he prepared for
secondary school.
"Technically our family was Methodist, but we didn't
attend church and it certainly wasn't a big deal in our
house, so a person's religion didn't much matter to me
either way. But Newtownbreda was a mixed area and,
before long, I had taken a part-time job in a local petrol
18
�station, made Catholic friends and very good ones at
that."
Chris attended Newtownbreda High School and like most
of the other boys gathered firewood for the bonfire and
looked forward to ' The Twelfth' celebrations. " It was a
season of the year, like the others we had for games and
sports and one that I enjoyed, but that was it. A bit of a
laugh. I wasn't brought up to be sectarian or, to be honest,
even to care what anyone else ' was'. It just didn ' t occur
to me then and it still doesn't today."
"I had been socialising in Belfast, particularly around
Lavery 's pub, which was totally mixed, for a few years
when I first met Roisin. I already knew her sister and we
all got along well."
"We got on better than well", says Roisin. "Chris and I
walked and talked until five o' clock that first morning,
and despite the fact that he had forgotten my Christian
name by the time I rang him later that morning, I knew
that this was the real thing or whatever they call it today." "I was half awake when she rang", says Chris, "I
could hardly remember my own name after a night on the
town ."
Chris and Roisin courted for four years before marrying.
Chris says, "We were party animals in those days, trouble
or no trouble, and we had a great time before we
eventually settled down. They were often difficult
times", says Roisin. "There was tension with things like
Drumcree and lots of sectarian trouble and Chris and I
lived on polar opposites of Belfast. He in the far south,
19
�me in the extreme north. Both sets of parents were
worried. It was only natural when you are going out at
night and travelling so far, but we continued to meet in
the city centre and somehow I think that adversity
actually strengthened our relationship."
"Our parents were never a problem", says Chris. "They
saw how we were together and were happy for us. As we
have said, we are very family orientated - both sides of
our family."
Chris and Roisin, whose younger sister is also in a mixed
relationship, married in her local Catholic church with
both families in attendance. "We had talked through what
we wanted well before hand", says Roisin "and the day
went well. We had also discussed our attitudes toward
children long before we were married. Like most mixed
marriage couples, I suppose we talked more because we
had more to talk about. Chris was happy for Matthew to
be baptized Catholic, because he himselfhas no religion,
and we both recognise that our son will make his own
decisions when he comes of age."
"We have always tried to compromise rather than argue",
says Chris, "because we love each other and we always
remember that it's easy to fall into sectarian traps. I'm
not political, Roisin isn't either and, while Matthew will
make his First Communion soon, religion plays little part
in our home life. I just know that we got on from the start
and we have kept it going. That's all the advice I could
give any young people thinking about a mixed
marriage."
20
�"Yes", says Roisin, "love is love and if religion means
anything, it should mean that it should never get in the
way of two people in love."
Chris & Raisin
21
��
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Mixed Emotions (<em>collection</em>)
Description
An account of the resource
Mixed Emotions is a collection containing 10 personal accounts / stories about mixed marriage (between Protestants and Catholics) in Northern Ireland. Nine of the accounts are based on joint interviews of the married couple. The accounts were published in book format in 2012.<br /><strong>McLaughlin, Paul.</strong> (2012). Mixed Emotions: Real stories of mixed marriage, (Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association; NIMMA). Belfast: NIMMA.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Subject
The topic of the resource
Personal accounts / stories related to the issue of mixed marriage in Northern Ireland.
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2012
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
Book
Language
A language of the resource
English
Stories Collected
Non DC - Number of stories recorded as part of the project.
10
Collection Permission Form
Non DC - Collection permission form signed and returned.
Yes (signed 13 October 2014)
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
ISBN 978-0-9571669-1-2
Stories Deposited
Non DC - Number of stories deposited with Accounts of the Conflict.
8
Permission Form Scanned
Non DC - Scan of permission form uploaded to archive.
Yes
Delayed Access
Non DC - Yes/No on request for delayed access.
No
Availability Online
Non DC - Availabilty Status (deposited, delayed, external, cain)
deposited
Publication
A book, article, monograph etc.
Author
Author of the publication
Chris, and Roisin.
Date Type
Publication, Submission, Completion date etc.
2012
Publication Title
Full title of publication, as it appears on item.
'Family is the most important thing', chapter in, <strong>McLaughlin, Paul.</strong><span> (2012). Mixed Emotions: Real stories of mixed marriage, (Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association; NIMMA). Belfast: NIMMA.</span><br /><span>ISBN 978-0-9571669-1-2</span>
Publisher Location
Place of publication: city / town
Belfast
Publisher
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Publication Type
Report, Book, Manual etc.
Chapter in book
Publication Status
Published, in Press, Unpublished, etc.
Published
Number of Pages
6
ISBN
978-0-9571669-1-2
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
<em>Family is the most important thing</em>, by Chris and Roisin (<em>story text</em>)
Description
An account of the resource
The text, in PDF (Portable Document Format), of one of 10 personal accounts about 'mixed marriage' in Northern Ireland. The account was published as a chapter in the book 'Mixed Emotions'.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Paul McLaughlin / NIMMA
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2012
Availability Online
Non DC - Availabilty Status (deposited, delayed, external, cain)
deposited
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
Text; PDF
Mixed Emotions
NI Mixed Marriage Assoc
-
https://accounts.ulster.ac.uk/repo24/files/original/0844300fea9f6bedacdce11e53ece2a1.pdf
c4d32d1d12c4ce062846ba115c34dcf4
PDF Text
Text
�Contents
Page
Introduction
111
Preface
V
Mixed Emotions- Foreword
Vll
Say all you have to say
1
We walked the walk
8
Family is the most important thing
15
Go for it and be happy
22
We don't need to be labelled
29
You two against the rest
36
A little tolerance goes a long way
43
xi
�Contents
Page
Our love encourages respect
50
Not enough Christianity
57
Love conquers everything
64
A short history of mixed marriage in Ireland
71
x ii
�We walked the walk
8
�We walked the walk
Ruth is a remarkable 87-year-old widow whose
husband Pat died nine years ago. She lives in a
bungalow overlooking the centre of the new city of
Newry and despite facing heartache as a result of her
mixed marriage, found forgiveness and happiness in
more than 58 years of marriage.
"
I
was shunned by family, friends and neighbours
when I chose to marry Pat", says Ruth. "But we put
our trust in God and he looked after and cared for us and
our children through all our years together."
Ruth was born, the first of twelve children, on a farm near
the border in 1924. "We were a happy, hard working
family", she says. "My mother and father were good,
decent people who set us a fine example and though the
work was hard and we all had our chores, we always had
plenty of food, even during the shortages of the 1930s'
depression and the start of the Second World War."
"We were a Non-Subscribing Presbyterian family, my
father was an Orangeman and the church, the Order and
the neighbours were our community. And a close-knit
community at that."
Ruth had Catholic friends as a youngster and had the rare
chance, at that time, of going on to further education at
the local technical college. "It was mixed" she says,
"I really enjoyed it and looked forward to staying longer,
9
�but, after two years, it was decided that I would take a
job as clerk in the administration section of the Armagh
Down Creamery. I had no other choice."
"Again, I was part of a 'mixed' workforce and got on well
with everyone, but there was little time for socialising in
those days with so much to do at home."
Ruth's life was to change dramatically when she met Pat.
He had been born and bred in Jerrettspass and lived in a
lock house on the canal. His father laboured in the local
quarry, while his mother worked the lock itself.
Ruth says, "Pat was already working at the creamery
when I joined and we got talking, became friends and,
eventually, started going out together. I suppose it was a
normal girlfriend, boyfriend sort of thing, except that I
couldn't tell anyone about him."
"We went out together for almost two years, but it was a
very secretive romance, as I knew that my parents would
not have approved of him. But, Newry was a small place
in those days and somehow the news went round that I
was intending to marry a Catholic. The first I knew about
all this was the night that the local Worshipful Master of
the Lodge came to our house fairly late on. I was ordered
from bed, interrogated and accused. I was terrified. A
young girl facing the full wrath of a man of authority. I
denied everything and thought I had got away with it. The
following evening, at around the same time, our Minister,
who 'had it on good authority' that I intended to marry a
'Papish', cross-examined me and made me promise to
break off the relationship. I still remember his words,
10
�'May God direct you'. But he was the one doing all the
directing, as well as encouraging my parents to take the
same stance."
Ruth was told that she would be confined to the farm 'for
good' if she did not end the engagement and she agreed
to this in order to be allowed to go to work.
"I then wrote a 12 page letter to Pat, which I hoped his
sister would pass on to him but, as luck would have it, I
bumped into him that very day and told him everything.
From that moment, I was never to return home again. We
decided there and then to get married as quickly as
possible."
Ruth, who had been taking instruction in a local convent
for a year, had already been received into the Catholic
Church.
"From then on, things moved very fast. We took a taxi to
Dundalk, met with a local priest and, eventually, got the
Cardinal 's permission to marry on the 26th June 1943,
despite the fact that I was only 19 and legally two years
under the age of consent. Pat's family were very
supportive, but I know that my name was never
mentioned again in my mother's and father's house after
I left."
"We had one day for a honeymoon and then back to
Newry on the Sunday for work on Monday. I had only
the clothes I stood up in and, it's funny now, but I was
able to borrow a uniform from Pat's sister who was a
nurse."
Ruth 's and Pat's troubles were only beginning. Both
found themselves without their respective jobs because
11
�of the marriage. On Pat's return to work at The Provincial
Coal Company - Fisher's Coal-yard- he was told that
his services were no longer required, while Ruth was
strongly advised by her employer at the creamery not to
recommence work as her family were pressurising them
to dismiss her. Pat then had to travel to England to get
work. "We wrote to each other daily", says Ruth, "as that
was our only means of communication". That first
Christmas, 1943, husband and wife were apart and Ruth's
parents returned her greetings card and present unopened.
Family disowned her and former neighbours ignored her.
"As everyone had ration books at that time, I had to go
to my family's grocer, Bob Mitchell, to claim my
allowance. They fulfilled my order, but the transaction
was conducted in silence and I was not acknowledged."
"Later, when I went to buy my first pair of new shoes in
Kennedy's, our family shoe shop, they refused to serve
me even though I had the cash in my hand. I felt
humiliated and shocked as my family had always been
regular customers."
"My father told me that I should have kept my own
religion. That was it. I was no longer part of their family.
They were good people, but, at that time, they wouldn't,
or probably couldn't, step outside their community, with
all of its constraints, to show acceptance of what I had
done. I suppose that, given all the circumstances, they felt
they had no other choice. I was never back in my parents'
home again and did not even get my belongings."
Ruth was stopped from attending her father's wake and
funeral, which she watched from a garage door in the
town, and only got to see her dying mother in hospital
12
�after being smuggled into the ward. " Although my
mother didn't speak to me that last evening", she says, "I
did get the chance to tell her that I loved her."
Pat worked at several driving jobs, while Ruth reared
their four children. Baby Ruth, their fifth child, survived
for only one day. "Pat eventually went self-employed as
a taxi driver, I got a job in the local credit union when the
children were at school and we were able to build up our
home and care for our family."
Ruth and Pat had a very active retirement, travelling to
California several times and Australia, Lourdes, France,
England, Wales and all over Ireland. "We used to walk a
lot around Warrenpoint, Rostrevor and Omeath, talking
a lot and reminiscing about our past lives, our children,
our grandchildren and our great grandchildren and
thanking God for all hi s blessings and for the good
fri ends who stood by us during our married years."
"As I said earlier, we put our trust in God and he looked
after us and our family through our married life. We had
struggles and triumphs, but were happy and so much in
love."
"A school friend, whose brother had married my sister,
finally persuaded her to visit me when my last child was
born. I was twenty years married at that time. On another
occasion, Pat saw another sister downtown with her
husband whom he knew and Pat suggested that we say
' hello ' . Since that day, we have continued to stay in
touch. "
13
�Ruth's three brothers and their wives went against the
family's shunning and visited Pat when he was ill in
hospital. "It was wonderful to see them and, thank God,
we have maintained that contact over the years."
"I would advise any couples thinking about marrying to
be true to themselves, to talk to each other and to work
together. Pat's favourite sayings were, 'Ups and downs
we've had a few, but here we are again', 'We walked the
walk and talked the talk,' and 'We'll stick together like
the ivy on the old garden wall'. We did it all together and,
despite everything, I would do it again tomorrow. Times
have changed for the better, but love doesn't change and
that's the important thing. Oh, and by the way, the
Worshipful Master who terrified me way back in 1943 his granddaughter has married a Catholic!"
Pat & Ruth
14
��
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Mixed Emotions (<em>collection</em>)
Description
An account of the resource
Mixed Emotions is a collection containing 10 personal accounts / stories about mixed marriage (between Protestants and Catholics) in Northern Ireland. Nine of the accounts are based on joint interviews of the married couple. The accounts were published in book format in 2012.<br /><strong>McLaughlin, Paul.</strong> (2012). Mixed Emotions: Real stories of mixed marriage, (Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association; NIMMA). Belfast: NIMMA.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Subject
The topic of the resource
Personal accounts / stories related to the issue of mixed marriage in Northern Ireland.
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2012
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
Book
Language
A language of the resource
English
Stories Collected
Non DC - Number of stories recorded as part of the project.
10
Collection Permission Form
Non DC - Collection permission form signed and returned.
Yes (signed 13 October 2014)
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
ISBN 978-0-9571669-1-2
Stories Deposited
Non DC - Number of stories deposited with Accounts of the Conflict.
8
Permission Form Scanned
Non DC - Scan of permission form uploaded to archive.
Yes
Delayed Access
Non DC - Yes/No on request for delayed access.
No
Availability Online
Non DC - Availabilty Status (deposited, delayed, external, cain)
deposited
Publication
A book, article, monograph etc.
Publication Title
Full title of publication, as it appears on item.
'We walked the walk', chapter in, <strong>McLaughlin, Paul.</strong><span> (2012). Mixed Emotions: Real stories of mixed marriage, (Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association; NIMMA). Belfast: NIMMA.</span><br /><span>ISBN 978-0-9571669-1-2</span>
Author
Author of the publication
Ruth.
Date Type
Publication, Submission, Completion date etc.
2012
Publisher
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Publication Type
Report, Book, Manual etc.
Chapter in book
Publication Status
Published, in Press, Unpublished, etc.
Published
Number of Pages
6
ISBN
978-0-9571669-1-2
Publisher Location
Place of publication: city / town
Belfast
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
<em>We walked the walk</em>, by Ruth (<em>story text</em>)
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Paul McLaughlin / NIMMA
Description
An account of the resource
The text, in PDF (Portable Document Format), of one of 10 personal accounts about 'mixed marriage' in Northern Ireland. The account was published as a chapter in the book 'Mixed Emotions'.
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2012
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
Text; PDF
Language
A language of the resource
English
Availability Online
Non DC - Availabilty Status (deposited, delayed, external, cain)
deposited
Mixed Emotions
NI Mixed Marriage Assoc
-
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Mixed Emotions (<em>collection</em>)
Description
An account of the resource
Mixed Emotions is a collection containing 10 personal accounts / stories about mixed marriage (between Protestants and Catholics) in Northern Ireland. Nine of the accounts are based on joint interviews of the married couple. The accounts were published in book format in 2012.<br /><strong>McLaughlin, Paul.</strong> (2012). Mixed Emotions: Real stories of mixed marriage, (Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association; NIMMA). Belfast: NIMMA.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Subject
The topic of the resource
Personal accounts / stories related to the issue of mixed marriage in Northern Ireland.
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2012
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
Book
Language
A language of the resource
English
Stories Collected
Non DC - Number of stories recorded as part of the project.
10
Collection Permission Form
Non DC - Collection permission form signed and returned.
Yes (signed 13 October 2014)
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
ISBN 978-0-9571669-1-2
Stories Deposited
Non DC - Number of stories deposited with Accounts of the Conflict.
8
Permission Form Scanned
Non DC - Scan of permission form uploaded to archive.
Yes
Delayed Access
Non DC - Yes/No on request for delayed access.
No
Availability Online
Non DC - Availabilty Status (deposited, delayed, external, cain)
deposited
Interviews Details
Information on the interview process used in a story-telling project. The details relate to information that remained the same during the process.
Interviewer Name(s)
Names of all interviewers who conducted the interview.
Paul McLaughlin
Recorder Names(s)
Names of all the recorders who recorded the stories.
Paul McLaughlin
In-house Recording
Yes/No - recording done by project staff.
Yes; interviewer took shorthand notes
Interview Location
All the interviews took place in the homes of the interviewees.
Details of Recording
Description of how the original story was recorded.
Hand written notes using shorthand; and photographs taken with digital camera.
Interview Length
Length of the interview.
Approximately 3 hours
Recording Format
Video; Audio; Document / Written; Still Image
Written
Digital Conversion Process
Nature of conversion process and who carried it out.
Shorthand notes typed up
Original Photo File Format
Details of original file format.
JPEGs
Editing Process
Description of the editing process
Typed manuscripts were returned to interviewees for checking.
Final File Format
Details of the final file format.
Word document; and JPEGs
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Mixed Emotions (<em>interview process details</em>)
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Mixed Emotions
NI Mixed Marriage Assoc
-
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Mixed Emotions (<em>collection</em>)
Description
An account of the resource
Mixed Emotions is a collection containing 10 personal accounts / stories about mixed marriage (between Protestants and Catholics) in Northern Ireland. Nine of the accounts are based on joint interviews of the married couple. The accounts were published in book format in 2012.<br /><strong>McLaughlin, Paul.</strong> (2012). Mixed Emotions: Real stories of mixed marriage, (Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association; NIMMA). Belfast: NIMMA.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Subject
The topic of the resource
Personal accounts / stories related to the issue of mixed marriage in Northern Ireland.
Publisher
An entity responsible for making the resource available
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Date
A point or period of time associated with an event in the lifecycle of the resource
2012
Format
The file format, physical medium, or dimensions of the resource
Book
Language
A language of the resource
English
Stories Collected
Non DC - Number of stories recorded as part of the project.
10
Collection Permission Form
Non DC - Collection permission form signed and returned.
Yes (signed 13 October 2014)
Identifier
An unambiguous reference to the resource within a given context
ISBN 978-0-9571669-1-2
Stories Deposited
Non DC - Number of stories deposited with Accounts of the Conflict.
8
Permission Form Scanned
Non DC - Scan of permission form uploaded to archive.
Yes
Delayed Access
Non DC - Yes/No on request for delayed access.
No
Availability Online
Non DC - Availabilty Status (deposited, delayed, external, cain)
deposited
Project Details
Details of the project which undertook the story-telling work.
Project Sub-Title
Short or common name of the story-telling project.
Mixed Emotions
Project Full Title
Full or official title of the story-telling project.
Mixed Emotions: Real stories of mixed marriage
Date Ended
Year in which the project ended.
on-going
Funding Amount
Amount of funding provided to the project.
£9,000
Dissemination Formats
Main dissemination formats: Web site; video on DVD; book; etc. Record all that apply.
Book
Contact Person
Name of person contacted about the project.
Paul McLaughlin
Number of Stories
Number of stories recorded as part of the project.
10
Number Deposited
Number of stories deposited with Accounts of the Conflict.
8
Dublin Core
The Dublin Core metadata element set is common to all Omeka records, including items, files, and collections. For more information see, http://dublincore.org/documents/dces/.
Title
A name given to the resource
Mixed Emotions (<em>project details</em>)
Description
An account of the resource
Mixed Emotions was a story-telling project run by the the Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA). The project conducted 10 interviews and the resulting stories were published in book format in 2012.
Creator
An entity primarily responsible for making the resource
Northern Ireland Mixed Marriage Association (NIMMA)
Date Formed
Non DC - The year in which the organisation was first formed.
September 2012
Funder
Non DC - Name of the funding organisation for the work on story-telling.
Big Lottery Fund
Mixed Emotions
NI Mixed Marriage Assoc